Life is so full right now I can't seem to keep up with it. Everything has changed in my life. Things started changing when I began my studies, but November 1 was basically the last day of my old life. Everything has changed.
I was in a 3-day group therapy in existential psychology, and nothing is the same any more. The therapist said I had to choose between being thin and staying married, and I made my choice to stay married. And with that I also made my choice to give up staying fat.
I'm a bit afraid to jinx it, so I won't talk of that now, but I feel like a whole new person. It's like I didn't actually "try losing weight" before as much as I "struggled to keep it on".
I've given myself permission to want things, to choose things and to live my own life. To take what I want, and first of all, to be (or get) aware of what it is I want. Food is no longer just something that keeps my armour of fat on my body. It's now something that I choose and that I actively want. It turns out - I want so little of it. The hunger cues have returned, and I feel full so much sooner.
And the sex life, OMG, don't get me started on that. It's not as if I didn't want sex before, but it was more or less thinking about both of us, never of what I want. Never really actively wanting, demanding and taking.
This last night made me choose my husband again and again, and fall in love with him deeper than the first time. When he came home tonight - with a huge red rose! - I felt so shy and so deeply in love, that I was blushing all the time he was kissing me.
He feels the change. I daresay, the whole family feels it.
I feel like sky is the limit. I'm feeling so happy now. I'm quite curious what happens next. And whether I will be able to stay in this feeling for some time - long enough to shed that weight that no longer serves any purpose. And to keep finding myself in new places, new situations, new thoughts.